Why?

As you think of him, he is gone, not just gone as in for now, but as in forever. He will not return, he will not be here ever again. You blame yourself for everything that happened. You accuse others of doing wrong because your life is not what it could be. You are mean and hurtful and wrong in all ways because you want what other people have. In a way you are jealous but not completely, you are just trying to claim what you deserve. As you think about it all everything goes from sad to sadder...

He is gone forever, she won't ever go away. I want him back and I want her gone. He was everything to me... my best friend, my mentor, he was everything I ever wanted to be. But now I'm stuck with her until she finally chooses to leave. I pray for the day when she finally leaves and never returns. I feel like I have nothing, no one loves or cares for me the way they should. No one understands what is going on in my head. But if I tell them it is sure to turn into something more, and there is no way I could ever want that. I feel terrible that I am mean and harsh and rude to everyone but I feel like that's the way I have been treated so why does it only have to be me? Why can't others endure the same thing as me. Feeling alone is like being in space, no one to turn to, no one who cares. 

Everyone is afraid of you. You got what you wanted, right? Everyone knows who you are. That what you wanted, right? Everyone doesn't know about your life. That's what you needed, right? Everything that has happened in your life you have wanted. But the one thing you wanted so desperately to disappear lingers around you everyday, and it seems like "it" will never go away. It's part of you now like it always has been, but it's not what you want to be. People strive to be just like someone when they get older, and you strive to be anything but. You feel like no one will get 

it, and it's true. If they understood they would be able to tell your not okay, but they can't.

As you think about your life you wonder why?

Why does everything have to happen to me.

Well it doesn't all happen to you, as alone as you feel you will never be, but it feels like it. By telling people what is going on you fear they are going to say you just want sympathy, but you know deep down you just want them to understand, to be there when things get rough. You just want someone to be there, to care about you, because no one else does. 

But why? Why won't they get it, why don't they get it! I try to tell them and they just look at me like it's nothing and shrug it off...

Is that how you take harsh situations?

Is that how you help your friends?

Are you really my friends?

Why is it so hard for you to understand?

It doesn't happen to you, so why does it happen to me?

Why does it feel like none of you are ever there?

Why does it feel like your always gone? In the times I need you most...

You're not there. You're distant. You're gone. I have told you. But now you don't care.

Why? Why can't you just care? Why?