Letter to You

Dear X,

You left me for something that obviously meant more to you. You have brought me down so many times I don't even know where to start. I wrote a letter, quite a few. But all of them seemed a little to "nice" to give to you. We were best friends. I remember before the drinking started, and before the smoke that filled our house. We were a happy family, got along most of the time, had our arguments, and then moved on. I remember the times on the farm, with Grandpa and Uncle Jeff. You threw that away, you left it all. Everyone you loved, everything you loved...gone. Why can't you just remember all the great things before you let this...this "thing" take you over, this isn't you. I truly don't know what is anymore. I barely know who I am anymore. You were supposed to be the person I looked up to, not the one I despised. You were supposed to be the person who taught me right for wrong, you did well on the wrong part. You were supposed to be the person I wanted to grow up to be, not the one I want to be anything but.

You raised me with a deep belief of God, we never went to church, but it was there. Me and him right now, let's just say, aren't on such great terms. He took part of my childhood because of who you are. He took part of my family. Mostly he took one of the people I love the most, even though you're still here; you aren't you. The things you say have hurt me, and are things I will never forget. I don't even know where I am anymore, where I belong. I have lost all since of direction. All of the walls around me are crumbling down, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I've cussed, I've screamed, I've fought back. None of it has worked you just keep making the wall between us bigger, as I try and break it down. Home should be a place I want to be, it's not. School should be a place I want to leave, it's not. You should be a person I want to see, your not. I should be the person I want to be, I'm not. Everything I have ever wanted I have never gotten, you are the one who comes between me and my dreams. When I try not to let the things you say bring me down, they do. I try not to show you that I am falling apart, actually I have convinced everyone that I am fine...even myself. My whole life is a lie, because of the choices and decisions you have decided to make. 

I want you back, not his "new" you, but the "old" you. I deserve that. I need that. I need you. I haven't said "I love you" to you in over a year. You saying it to me...I don't even remember.

You yell, and scream. I have convinced myself it's the alcohol talking to me, not you.

I want my life back. You took that. I want my freedom back. You have that. I want a lot of things, I know I will never get.  

I've cried to the point where there is no more tears. I've yelled to the point where there is no more words. But all I want is for you to hear me, and listen, not fight back. You used to say something to me when I was really little, it was something that I never thought truly had a meaning until now. You would say, "Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand", this was a phrase I heard come out of your mouth multiple times. It actually means something to me now. I don't need anyone else to help me make it through my own life. All I need is to be able to stand for what I think is right. That is all I need, no one else's approval, just my own.  

I am a strong person. I have walls, you have helped to build. They have worked to my advantage, and to my disadvantage.  I'm in an "argument" I think, with one of my friends. She is trying to get to me, and I would like to take this time to thank you for helping me build those walls. So that no one can get to me. I would also like to thank you for giving me the ability to have things to say to bring her down, but enough pride to know I have already won, and to just walk away. I would also like to say that since you've helped me build these walls, you can't get to me either, no matter what you say. You have made me the person I am, not perfect, but strong enough to stand on my own two feet. The things you've said got to me, and they cut deep. I am still standing, so you haven't knocked me down...permanently.

There are things I have done I am not proud of, and things you were supposed to teach me. There are things I have ran from because of things you have said. Will I ever apologize for the things I said to you? No. Everything I say I mean, and there is no way I will ever take it back. This was hard to say, seeing that I have never talked about it before in my life. But there are somethings you just needed to hear. I will never talk to you again, I will never apologize, and I will never be sorry for who I am. As much as I know you want to see it all. I have shed enough tears over you and it's time for me to move on. With my life, friends, family, and if you want to be a part of that something you are doing needs to change, and once it does you will realize that I will come around. But right now we are not on the same page, nor do I ever think we will be. But for now I am comfortable with who I am, with where I am, and with where I am going. 

One last thing...I was not good enough for you. Why? That is my only question. Why, did you leave me here, by myself? I will never forgive you for that. You have belittled me, and you never apologized. You don't remember anything that you have said. You were the one person who I looked up to...I will never make that mistake again. 

I'll see you when I see you. 

Morgan