It was terror, in a beautiful home. It was yelling and screaming, in the ornate living room. I was six, how was I supposed to know that parents were not supposed to act like that? Or that being beaten was not supposed to happen? What about having my parents putting everything else in their lives ahead of me, that was normal, wasn't it? Well apparently it's illegal. The beating part at least but almost everything they did could not be healthy. Now I know something is wrong, right? Wrong. Well sort of wrong. I still find it all normal, this is my life. I just have to deal with it, right? Not completely I hope, I just don't want to get my parents in trouble...
It was terror? It was yelling and screaming? What was that supposed to mean? Isn't that what you grew up knowing that was normal, it was your normal. It was a time when everything was wrong because you knew best. You didn't turn your parents in. You didn't tell anyone. You lied, and now this is were you are in the police station being questioned because they pulled you from school wondering why you had so many bruises, and cuts, and broken bones. You didn't want your parents to get in trouble? You didn't know it was wrong? No one else in school looked like you, no one else was dealing with what you had to deal with...and you thought it was normal?
It was terrifying to be honest. Every day when I went to school I had to lie. Not just to my teachers, but to my friends, to my classmates and to everyone else in school. Nothing was normal no other kid was ever asked about their bumps and bruises, no, it was only me. I always wondered why no one else looked like me, or why i was the way I was. But that's who I am...not who I wanted to be...if you think I chose this than you must be insane. If you think I brought this onto myself you have NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! I was abused, beaten, thrown, and no one ever cared. I tried to tell people, it didn't work. No one believes a six year old when they say their parents beat them. But it's true, it happens, it's time for people to step into the real world and realize what is going on. The world, your home, your school. They are not safe little bubbles that you can't get hurt in. They are the real world and it's time to step into it.
Well you were the one who didn't step up to your teachers and say these are from my mom. You are the one who wanted to keep it from everyone so that no one would get hurt. But the whole time someone was...you. But, you never did anything about it, because it was "normal." Even though you knew it really wasn't you still did nothing...
You are right I didn't pipe up and say my parents beat me. Who would? No one. Not even you, I don't care how big and tough you are you wouldn't either. My entire life was a lie to not only to myself but to everyone around me. And yes I didn't want to tell anyone and yes the whole time I was the one who was getting hurt, but for some reason I was okay with it, because I knew...someday I would be big enough and strong enough to take her down. I wasn't always going to be the one getting hurt, one day I would give her back what she deserves. That's why I am so "tough" even though I really am not. I put on that front that no one can hurt me so that no one would ask me why I was always so afraid of things. This isn't what I asked for and yes it is not "normal" but you know what it's MY normal, and that's why I didn't do anything. You know what this is me and I am okay with that because it's over and you can no longer belittle me for what happened in my past and for the choices I made, because this is my new start...
To laughter in a beautiful home.
To love and hugs in that ornate living room.
It is over now and the choices I made then will affect my future, but you can no longer judge me on my past because it is over, and this right now, right here this...this is my future. Whether I like it or not, it is better than anything I have ever had before and for me that is everything my life needs to be.
No more terror. No more yelling and screaming. I was six. Now I am fourteen, and it has finally ended, everything is over and here I am, with a clean slate going forward, because I didn't choose my childhood but I can choose everything else that happens.
No one can ever change their past but,
you can always change your future.
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