When I was three I rode my bike up and down my
driveway like it was the biggest place on Earth. My parents didn’t allow me to
go any farther because I wasn’t that good at it yet. All it was, was a strip of
blacktop running from our garage to the front sidewalk, maybe 20 feet long.
But, to me it was like I had just traveled to the moon and back without
thinking anything of it.
When
I was six I played with chalk like I was the best artist around. Every kid in
the neighborhood should want to come draw with me because I was the best. I
look back now at the pictures my dad took, I couldn’t even spell my name right.
Letters were backwards, mixed around. My middle name started with a “C” instead of a “K”. Back then it didn’t matter, I thought I was cool.
When
I was eight I was in the 3rd grade, and I learned how to do flips
off the monkey bars. Everyone else had already been able to do them. But, I was
scared. It was the first time in my life that I think I ever felt scared. One
of my parents was always there to protect me, and make sure I was doing the
“right” and “safe” thing. It was the first time I was actually scared, but I
did it, without thinking anything of it.
When
I was nine, I cried myself to sleep for 3 months – every night. This is when it
started. My mom’s dad passed away, and we were best friends, and for three
months that’s all I did.
When
I was ten, my mom became an alcoholic.
When
I was eleven, my uncle died from cancer.
When
I turned twelve, my parents thought something was wrong with me…they were
right.
When
I was thirteen I was diagnosed with GAD
(generalized anxiety disorder). It
was the most terrifying day of my life. At first I thought I was going to die.
Then, I thought that someone was going to show up at my house and take me away.
I ended up at Roger’s three times, and in therapy since it started. I was
afraid I was going to get judged. I was afraid of the side effects of the meds,
but now, it’s like my everyday routine.
Now
I’m fourteen, and my goal is to prove to people that just because you have
problems doesn’t mean that every day you have to fight and argue with people –like
I do.
See,
everyone starts out differently. Everyone’s first enjoyable moment, like riding
your bike for the first time, is different. No one’s life starts out the same,
but somehow we all experience happy, sad, tragic, depressing, horrifying moments
in our lives. Maybe it’s because everything always ends someday, the friends I
hung out with in kindergarten I don’t even talk to anymore. Some of the kids I
used to hang out with I don’t even remember, or they moved away. I also know
that everyone experiences that moment of being the “best” at something even
though you may not have been, and then that moment when it’s the first time you
have ever felt something that you have never experienced before. The other
thing I know for a fact is that everyone winds up having some sort of anxiety
in their life, it doesn’t matter who you are, everyone has it. Even me.
One
day, I’ll be off medication, and back to
doing all the things I want to do.
One
day, I will finally realize that this is not how I want my life to end.
One
day, which is hopefully coming soon, I will be “normal” again, I will laugh,
and smile, and cry and feel all of the emotions that everybody else does.
But,
one day, I will also have to face the reality that this is who I am, and something
about that is never going to change.
Unless,
I want it to.
But
that’s up to me, no one else can make that decision – but me.
